Monday, May 19, 2008


I have been worrying that as I wade in to the book it gets darker and darker. I do think that on the other side the world Heather lives in becomes lighter. There is less shame and it sort of evens out. The hopeful stuff starts to happen. I'm worried that I should give a disclaimer to everyone. That I should put people off reading it, because of this darkness at its core. Is this what the story has to be? Am I being true to Heather? Is this what needs to be told? Perhaps I should just ask her.

Heather, the story is in first person, you are telling it, you don't want to tell this part, so, does the current section have to be in the book?

Why aren't you saying it? You feel like I do about it, don't you? Ashamed and it should not be admitted. That's how I feel. That's how I lived for a year. Cutting and keeping it secret. Wearing long sleeves and never looking at my arms. Doing it and promising I would never do it again. Each time I would promise and then the next time when the urge would come, I'd feel it and do it and along with the general shame and embarrassment I feel about these marks up my arm I would also feel ashamed and embarrassed about my weak will. So it is time to own up. Practice some acceptance and commit myself to the harder work of feeling the shame and accepting it and moving on. In the long run it will be good for me. For now it's hard and giving me an out does no good. I may just give up and decide to take that part out and then the story will have no balance. The center has to be heavy to keep the rest of the book from flying away.

Oh, really? How come I suspect that that is all just a load of crap?

Maybe because you typed both the questions and the answers.

Dear muse, where are you?

As always,