Thursday, January 29, 2009

Finding Faith

I just read a blog post on The Longstockings. I love their name, because of Pippi, the idea of wearing long stockings( I am enamored with their warmth and accessorizing opportunity), and the fact that they group blog. But the post today was how to make yourself work when you have no boss. I have that trouble all the time. Sometimes, most times, with process you cannot force yourself to work and expect what comes out to be useful. In these frames of mind, I find that my editing is no good and the writing is even more painful. What I want to do is sit on the couch under a blanket and keep warm. My house gets cold these winter Minnesota days. Look at my writing gloves.

But there is always that delicate balance.

Oh, lord, why do I do this?

Because I have been called to it by some unknown(by me) force. I think of it like a calling and I have pledged myself to it in that way. The thing of it is, that is what faithful people do, they give themselves to one religion or another. But for them, they do it for some moral high ground, right? That is what I cannot find in writing.

There is some good in it. People find pleasure in reading, and I hope someday, in reading my work. Also I try to be real. My characters are many colors, not just black and white, and there is a lot of empathy to be learned from reading a good book with fleshy characters. But isn't it a little self indulgent for me to think that you might want to read what I have to say?

Yes. And I struggle.

And I struggle with the process.

But here's where the faith comes in. Day after day I have to believe that not only will this moment change and become the next, that this story will grow and become more, and that with this next step either I will find solid ground or I will be taught to fly. And sometimes I do soar and often I forget that I did. And I keep on doing the work, for this is my work, not necessarily for the good of my family(some of them would love very much if I did something else), or for my own good(this is a painful process and I find no ease in it), but because I just don't seem to be healthily committed to other things.

As Always (sometimes less, sometimes more),

p.s. I finished Iodine last night. Talk about a woman with faith. I love Haven Kimmel. Expect some love for her in the next few days.