February 5/Full Moon

The full moon came with an insight, pictures of Puppy, and an ancient, unfinished poem.

We have been cat sitting “Puppy” the cat. I send my MIL updates of how Puppy is doing. When looking through my photo stream for what photos to send to you, these were the ones that appealed. Woke her up from a cute nap when taking this one.

She likes the bathtub after its been freshly showered.

Watching the birds. She makes little squeaking noises while she does this.

I have been waking at 3 pm with worries and fears of late, unable to go back to sleep. Last night, when it happened, I followed my breath for awhile. I led myself through Yoga Nidra. Finally I actually tried to count sheep. All, to no avail. So I got up and sat in my grandmother’s rocking chair, and there I did Nadi Shodhana. I finally found myself settling and was able to examine some of what had been going on in my mind. The things that were there were the usual ones. They are thought propensities that I know well, because I have studied my patterns around them and recognize them as something to look out for. So it wasn’t that I was believing the thoughts. But I realized that there was a way in which I was feeling the things and not really looking at them closely. I was imagining that I was there with the feelings but really I was just waiting them out and wanting them to go away. So sitting in the dark, in the rocking chair, finally able to sink in and examine what was there, I finally saw it. The craving. I took a step back and detached myself, and found that it lost its hulking phantom quality. It became interesting and thin and began to dissipate. I woke this morning, late, with a headache, knowing that it is my day to write to you.

Today with the full moon, practice forgiveness in all its forms. For me this moon is dedicated to the letting go of craving. I forgive myself for holding on to memories and people. Of wanting what I cannot have. I know it is natural to want and love and it is also natural to grow apart and lose touch, and accepting this month as nature playing out will keep me from shooting myself with the second arrow of suffering.

Here she is sleeping on Josh’s Omi’s Afghan Creations under the TV. I have only ever seen her there when the TV is on, and we are watching. For those of you who have been to our house in the past year, you will notice the “work couch” is missing. We are playing with rearranging the living room. Art to point out: a little corner of Josh and my personal landscape by Kara Van Wyk in the upper left, tiles Ala Malcom Potek of Potek Glass, Henry’s bentwood box from his year at Evergreen, and the aforementioned Helen Kent creations under Puppy’s sleeping form.

I am reminded of my Great Grandmother Inez today. She lived down the gravel road from the farm Mom grew up on. She was my Grandpa’s mother and fussed over us kids with the same kind of worries that I have sometimes. The biggest difference between her and me is, I perhaps have the wherewithal and knowledge to take better care of my anxieties? Below I have included a draft of an old unfinished prose poem that she appears in, along with Grandma and Grandpa and Josh.

In a week, I will put it behind a pay wall.

As always, thanks for coming along. Much love, Tina.