February 5/Full Moon
The full moon came with an insight, pictures of Puppy, and an ancient, unfinished poem.
I have been waking at 3 pm with worries and fears of late, unable to go back to sleep. Last night, when it happened, I followed my breath for awhile. I led myself through Yoga Nidra. Finally I actually tried to count sheep. All, to no avail. So I got up and sat in my grandmother’s rocking chair, and there I did Nadi Shodhana. I finally found myself settling and was able to examine some of what had been going on in my mind. The things that were there were the usual ones. They are thought propensities that I know well, because I have studied my patterns around them and recognize them as something to look out for. So it wasn’t that I was believing the thoughts. But I realized that there was a way in which I was feeling the things and not really looking at them closely. I was imagining that I was there with the feelings but really I was just waiting them out and wanting them to go away. So sitting in the dark, in the rocking chair, finally able to sink in and examine what was there, I finally saw it. The craving. I took a step back and detached myself, and found that it lost its hulking phantom quality. It became interesting and thin and began to dissipate. I woke this morning, late, with a headache, knowing that it is my day to write to you.
Today with the full moon, practice forgiveness in all its forms. For me this moon is dedicated to the letting go of craving. I forgive myself for holding on to memories and people. Of wanting what I cannot have. I know it is natural to want and love and it is also natural to grow apart and lose touch, and accepting this month as nature playing out will keep me from shooting myself with the second arrow of suffering.
I am reminded of my Great Grandmother Inez today. She lived down the gravel road from the farm Mom grew up on. She was my Grandpa’s mother and fussed over us kids with the same kind of worries that I have sometimes. The biggest difference between her and me is, I perhaps have the wherewithal and knowledge to take better care of my anxieties? Below I have included a draft of an old unfinished prose poem that she appears in, along with Grandma and Grandpa and Josh.
In a week, I will put it behind a pay wall.
As always, thanks for coming along. Much love, Tina.
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